That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
