We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im holly from the hills drunk
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
