M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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