I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
