I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
