I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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