1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
