I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
