Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
