The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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