My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
