i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
