HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
