meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
