therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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