Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
