my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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