I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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