Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
