how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
