I think I died a long time ago.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Im part way to drunk.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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