just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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