I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
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Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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