Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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