I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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