ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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