This is not my ceiling
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
