Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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