my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
