walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
