my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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