You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
