Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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