One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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