WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
