I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
