May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
