OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
