the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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