I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
