Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
