I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
