I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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