I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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