I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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