Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
