I can text with my tongue
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
