Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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