the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
