wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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