Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
