i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
