First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
