my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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