My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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