My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
