This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
