the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
