it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
