i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
